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# 3/29/25

I'm 21 years old, and it's currently March 29th, 2025. I have 57 days till I graduate college. After that, I'm not sure what I'm doing. It's snowing outside for god knows why and I'm sitting in my bed at home in Gloucester, MA, catastrophizing about everything I'll lose once the 57 days are up. There are four research papers to read for my class + two presentations and interview prep I must complete but all I feel capable of doing is writing this post. I know that's extremely dramatic but I've been on the job hunt for essentially 225 days and have faced rejection after rejection. I feel this way because I've managed to fuck up software engineering or systems-related interviews with JPMorgan, Google, Meta, Fern, John Hopkins APL, and frankly I've lost all faith in my own ability to accomplish anything. Obviously, I'm a capable individual graduating with straight A's (and a sprinkle of pass-fail classes) from an Ivy league school and yet I feel entirely robbed of all confidence and composure when it comes to the single subject I've been studying for the last 7 years. I think it's easy to feel this way especially when you're surrounded with friends and peers who've had their post-grad plans sorted out when the leaves were turning red. If it wasn't clear already, this whole interview ordeal on top of a seemingly innocent amount of schoolwork amplified by the ticking clock of college has taken a huge toll on my mental health - and, to be entirely honest, I've been turning to weed for the wrong reasons a little more than I should. The concept of living at home after college really scares me because it feels that while my girlfriend, best friends, and brother are moving forward in life, I'm not only remaining stagnant but even regressing into an environment that has often caused me immense turmoil. I love Dad, Mom, and Joon, but over the last four years they've been a huge source of anxiety and being immersed in it might push me off the edge. Even writing the last two sentences has taken me longer than the preceding nine - the situation is so complicated, and I feel like I'm betraying them by writing these words down. I'm scared I'll slowly die out and lose Dani over drawn-out terrible months of long distance. The thought of it makes me want to cry. I can't talk about this with her or my family because I know it'll upset them. Frankly, I need a therapist, but this blog will do for now. Every day I feel so utterly inadequate, and I can't tell whether my concerns are tangible or make-believe. It's getting later in the day, I should start on my homework.